FEBRUARY 5.2014
N.R.A. Proposes Law Requiring All Americans to be Armed.
Canaan, NY —Saying it was “time to take action against the rising gun violence in America,” the National Rifle Association issued a statement today proposing new legislation requiring all citizens to be armed before being admitted into movie theaters.
The N.R.A.’s official spokesman, Horace Boom, said that the N.R.A. had taken this extraordinary step because it “could not stand idly by and watch loonies shoot innocent unarmed Americans. Had there been several N.R.A. members in that audience in Aurora they would have nailed him before he’d even raised one of his guns.”
The law, although not yet written, has already been sponsored by two hundred and eighty Republican congressman and forty Republican Senators.
“With a law requiring all Americans to be armed at all times, no mass murders will ever again occur in our wonderful country,” declared Congressman Matt Peterson (R. Indiana).
“I firmly believe that this law will essentially eliminate crime,” said Senator Orin Bash of Wyoming. “With a fully armed citizenry, which was clearly what the writers of our great Constitution had in mind, no criminal will dare undertake any violent crime. Mass murderers will be gunned down as soon as they begin shooting. Our movie theaters and restaurants and high schools will be safe again.”
A spokesman for President Obama reported that the President, although in general supporting such legislation, felt that the law should limit weapons to citizens who had reached the age of sixteen.
Children’s Rights advocate Jill Fortress immediately indicated that her organization would fight this limitation with all its available membership.
“Children are at even more risk of gun violence than adult citizens,” she declared. “Letting them have guns would let them protect themselves against physically stronger adults. Think how many child abductions would be avoided had those poor children been packing.”
Gun lobbyist Peter Smile said that he also could see no reason to limit the arming of people, except possibly illegal aliens, who he felt were being sufficiently armed by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF).
Senator Diane Feinstein (Dem. California) said she might vote against the bill since she felt that just having half the people in a movie theater armed would surely be enough.